Try to keep my feet on the ground and my eyes on the prize
Cause even if the way ahead of me seems frozen,
I still can see that bonfire
slow-dancing with the moon in the starry night
I don’t need the autumn to feel warm
Nor the summer to feel the heat
As long as I keep love in my heart,
with dream and faith as my armor and sword
I believe I could win
*dis actually is my poem dat has been published in facebook. u may need to keep in mind dat when i wrote it, my state of mind is completely different than it is now. it was at the time when i still believe dat when u love sumone truely-sumhow love will find a way. now i know dat it just isn't the way live works :)
i used to hate the rain. i used to hate the smell of wet soil...and the melancholy atmosphere it's giving. it made me feel sad.
now i dunno wat have changed but especially at dis time, the rain suddenly turned to sumthing dat give me bunch of inspirations. not particularly great ones maybe, but i definitely need them to keep my feet on the ground bcoz sumhow the long holiday has dissolved the border between my usual daily ideas and sum random ideas dat i thought have long gone from my brain. i feel like i have regressed back 2 the past and i dun like dat at all.
as a child, i was full of imagination...furthermore, u can say dat i have absolutely no social live. yes, i have many friends at school and i can talk to my family at home, but i spent most of my time at my own little world dat i invented myself...there i can be anyone i want and be with anyone i want. i have been developing dat world little by little, adding things here and there so it become so big dat it can contain all of my imagination. handsome guys from movies and mangas, hunky WWE athletes, vampires and pirate ships, and of course the perfect me. the truth is, even right now i still visit that world in once a while.
at dat time i was also so absorbed by games, movies, reality TV show, novels, and comic books...they became such an important part in my live so when it was the time 4 them to come to and end *of course games, movies, and such must have an ending* i was so devastated, like i have no reason to live anymore. i remember when the indonesian goverment decided to banned WWE from national television...i took a scissors and tried to make a cut on my wrist so i could die. well, of course dat suicide attempt wasn't a very serious one *i even didn't slashed strong enough to make a scar* but i think for a senior high school kid, trying to kill self bcoz of stupid WWE program being banned was pretty twisted.
now u can see why when i feel dat my thought is strating to wander around just like in the past, i bcome so scared. if i look back again, maybe the trigger was dis game i was playing in almost 24 hours term at some point of dis holiday. it was PERSONA 3, an RPG dat let the main character choices throughout the game influences the story greatly. i was playing as a female character and i got a boyfriend there...he was a senpai dat was completely my type, and after various struggle i was able to make him mine. everything seemed so real, and every time he said dat he love deena bush *dat was d name of the main character* and did sweet things to her...i always had dis strange sense of jealousy. i wish dat i was her. i wish dat i was the character of the game dat i played. it's so weird rite ?
i dunno, maybe bcoz of wat i have achieved in the game, i see it far more interesting than my own real life...and dat coz my subconscious to start its attempt to escape...again...to the only world i know, my own little world. the truth is, i'm afraid of losing myself again in dat world and never coming back. so wat i can do rite now is doing whatever i can do to stay here.
malam ini, aku ga akan menulis pake bahasa inggris. itu bukan karna aku ingin meniru2 "orang itu", aku cuma ingin membuktikan...sejujurnya aku juga ga tau apa yang ingin aku buktikan.
kalau dipikir2 aku sudah lumayan lama blogging. terhitung dari sekitar bulan november 2008 klo ga salah. tapi entah kenapa, aku ga pernah menulis apapun yang informatif. cuma cinta dan kehidupan pribadi. apa itu salah ?
aku memang bukan seorang pemikir. jujur aja, aku ga peduli dengan dunia yang ga berputar di sekitarku. apa itu juga salah ?
lucu juga, baru kemarin salah seorang teman bilang kalau nanti yang bakal mengikat seseorang itu adalah sifatku. waktu itu aku percaya, entah kenapa rasanya masuk akal. tapi sekarang, ternyata itu terbukti salah. hmm, lagi2 aku menulis tentang kehidupan pribadi. tapi maaf saja, ak ga bisa me-review film terakhir yang kutonton saat keadaan jiwaku sedang tidak stabil (pernah stabil pa ?)
mungkin ini bagus. aku sedang diingatkan kalau "inner beauty" itu ternyata lebih penting daripada penampilan luar. kalau ternyata berdiet, berdandan, dan memanjangkan rambut itu ga ada artinya kalau muka mesum tetap dipasang. ga ada cowo yang mau dipandangin trus dengan sorot mata "OMG...i'm sooo in love with you !" kan ?
mungkin aku hanya berdelusi ketika memikirkan betapa cocoknya kita. mungkin obrolan yang amat menyenangkan saat itu pun hanya kayalanku saja.
tapi tetap saja aku mencintaimu. mungkin kamu ga suka, tapi bukan kamu yang menentukan perasaanku. kamu boleh cuek. kamu boleh menghinaku. kamu boleh mengataiku tidak punya harga diri. kenyataannya "harga diri" itu sudah aku buang jauh2 sejak aku memutuskan untuk bertahan. padahal menurutku itu penting.
akhir kata aku akan tetap menunggumu, sampai nanti saat perasaanku berubah. kapan itu ? bisa sebentar lagi, bisa saat aku mati. yah, kalau bisa sih aku ga mau menunggu sampai mati. tapi kalau memang harus begitu, biarkan saja.
Sabtu, 05 Juni 2010
WARNINGS : cerita2 di bawah ini adalah FIKSI. kesamaan nama tokoh, tempat, maupun detail2 kecil lainnya adalah MURNI KETIDAK SENGAJAAN. writing dis is actually one of my attempts to fulfill my passion for writing, have fun reading it and leave comment so i can improve myself...thx u ^^
Part I
Aku berdiri menatap malam. Angin semilir meniup rambutku, mengacaukan tatanannya sehingga aku terpaksa sebentar-sebentar merapikannya. Waktu berlalu. Aku tak yakin sudah berapa jam aku berdiri di sini…atau mungkinkah baru beberapa menit ? Yang jelas high heel yang khusus kubeli untuk acara ini membuat kakiku sakit. Aku lelah…dan tegang.
Aku tahu lelah ini bukan karena kakiku yang sakit, ataupun karena hari ini aku ada di kampus seharian. Jiwaku lah yang lelah, dan perihnya melebihi sakit di kakiku. Wow, I did say that…didn’t I ? What kind of melancholic b*tch he has turned me into ? jangan salah tangkap, tak ada yang salah dengan orang yang melankolis. It’s just that I was proud of my tough exterior. Need a very serious sh*t to peel it off. Itulah kenapa aku harus mengakhiri ini. Secepat mungkin.
Akhirnya dia pun datang.Looking good…damn good, seperti biasa. Darah sialan itu pun tanpa bisa dicegah mengaliri pipiku, membuat pipiku berwarna merah tomat. Why does he cause the same effect to me every time I see him ? it’s even getting worse overtime. Aku benci ketidak berdayaanku di hadapannya. Aku benci seringai tolol yang otomatis selalu terbentuk saat aku berbicara dengannya. Aku benci neurotransmitter otakku yang sering tiba-tiba konslet dan sulit untuk menemukan kata-kata cerdas. But above all else, I love him.
“hai.” Sapanya “udah lama nunggu ?”
“hmmm…hahaha…” “hmm…gak kok.” Kataku gagu.
“trus, mau ngomong apa ?”
“heh ? oh itu. Hahaha….hahaha…” aku makin gagu
“…”
Dia tahu. Aku menundukkan wajahku sedalam-dalamnya, seakan dengan begitu aku bisa menghilang dari sini. Namun tiba-tiba terpikir olehku “isn’t this what I want ?” untuk apa aku memanggilnya ke sini kalau aku tak ingin dia tahu ? Lalu aku pun tersenyum, pendek dan simpul. ketegangan ini telah mengacaukan otakku. Aku sudah tak peduli lagi. Que sera-sera…whatever will be, will be ! Dia tampak agak heran melihatku tersenyum sendiri, namun dia tidak mengatakan apa-apa. What a sweet guy, he must know how had this is for me.
“gak terasa ya…” kataku memecah keheningan. “gak terasa kamu udah mau pergi.”
Dia masih diam. Aku melanjutkan, “sebelum kamu pergi, aku pengen bilang sesuatu.”
“jujur, sebenernya aku juga bingung mau ngomong apa karna sebenernya intinya sama aja sama yang aku bilang waktu itu.”Suaraku mulai mengecil, aku tak mampu menatap matanya.
“aku cuma mau menegaskan…I still have the same feeling. And…I will be waiting for you.”
Suaraku kini menghilang sama sekali. Keberanianku lenyap sudah. Tanpa menunggu jawabannya aku pun mengambil langkah seribu, kabur dari tempat itu. Ajaibnya berlari dengan high heels tidak membuat kakiku patah.Aku tak menengok ke belakang, juga tak berharap dia mengejarku.Yang aku inginkan hanyalah kamar mandi yang tenang dan bathtub yang penuh air hangat, tempat aku bisa menangis tanpa ada yang tahu. The most important thing is I have said it...right ? There is no way I can let him leave without knowing my true feeling. But now…it’s done.
first of all, this is not a "marketing technique" nor one of my desperate attempts to get 2 u. like usual, i just wanna write wat i feel.
"being loved" is an amazing experience. well, i can't say much coz no man ever explicitly expressed his love towards me bfore, but i can tell. when we truly love sumone we love them UNCONDITIONALLY. so when sumone like u bcoz u re famous or bcoz u have a "bright promising future" they love ur fame and bright future, not u...and when the condition then bcome otherwise *i hope dis won't happen* they will leave u.
i'm not gonna blabber about how much i love u, so u should chose me bla...bla...bla...or give 1000 reasons why we should be together...wat i'm gonna do is just love and love and leave the rest to God :) i'm just hoping dat if u re really not meant 2 be with me, u can get sumone truly loves u and care about u like i do...coz u deserve THE BEST.
...so much bout love eh ? it's too bad dat i dun fill my days with more "useful" things...but i'm gonna be honest to myself and keep writing my true feelings here. coz keeping wat we feel inside and never let it out is bad for our health - unlike i have ever done dat ;)
right now i feel so numb...right now i just don't care. about anyone. about anything. why can't anyone let me 2 rot here ? i can't take anymore of that shitty live. there is no way i can go out from dat front door, break free from the protection i got from this sturdy old wall and face the world.
seriously, what the world can offer me ? i have nothing. i fail miserably at school. my parents and axel would eventually gone before me. my friends too. no matter how close we are, they are not gonna walk with me to the altar. eventually they will find someone and build a happy family.i will end up alone. i will die alone. so why am i still here ?
this fog of desperation...i dunno where the hell it's coming from. i know that there are people who are far more miserable than me. but i just can't help it. i feel it. and that suck the life out of me.
lets say, later i can manage to graduate from this sh*thole. so then what ? i will stuck in a job that i hate for the rest of my life. pardon me, i just don't feel the urge to become a doctor. not when i was at senior high school. not now.
looks like i'm still a stray after all..wandering alone in live without any purporse. well, like a stray dog that often being caught and gassed until dead at the dog shelter...a stray human also deserves to die. don't u know that world population is now a serious problem ? a place in the world should be given to the people who truly want it. so go ahead, i will give my place for free :)
so go ahead, take it all... u want my soul ? take it all... it's time to leave, it's time to die... because i have no more, there's nothing left to give...
dear, God...i know U have such a twisted sense of humor, but it has never been dis far before. well, who am i 2 question Ur will ? i'm just a lously helpless human. so wat i'm gonna do is just laugh and laugh about my twistedly funny fate. till i die.
people said dat forgetting d one we love is hard ? dat we will seems 2 see him/her everytime, everywhere ? tell me about it. now wat should i do ? turning off all the TV and internet ? throwing away all the newspapers and magazines ? covering my sensitive ears 2 people's talk ? moving out and live in a deserted island like tom hanks in "cast away" ? or simply just throwing myself from the roof ?
everything i have done is dis past few years...what is it for ? chasing 4 sumthing dat is now BEYOND my reach. *i will give u a number : 150. maybe consists of more than 100 hot single girls* fine. i will live single and die alone. so what ? i don't need a substitute. a di*** will be enough...excuse my word.
i have laughed. i have cried. i have done a long thought to figure out wheter i'm exaggerating. well, honestly...i dun think i am. it's like a newly ex-smoker dat being thrown away to a world of cigarettes. just kill me now.
PS : is this post so obvious ? well, i couldn't care less. just consider it as a little more publication. go on and gossip about me, tell others about how pathetic i am. have fun :)
if "art of love" is a subject in school then i would get a D for sure...IF I'M LUCKY. why i'm never good at dis ?? damn ! well, i'm a straight forward person. i always say wat i mean and mean wat i say. sadly, dat is not how it works here. if there is a guide of how 2 act when we re attracted 2 sumone then i will definitely buy it coz i seems 2 have no clue. why does when we re, girls, pursuing boys we love relentlessly we will be called too aggressive...but when boys do d same thing they will get credits 4 dat ? am i wrong 2 say dat it isn't fair ??
i'm tired of feeling like a crap. is it a sin 2 love sumone n fight 4 dat ? does it make me a person 2 look down 2 ? sorry then if it's true, but nobody can make me feel inferior if i dun let them 2. n u know wat ? i won't. i know u know how i feel about u, n u know dat i wanna be with u. if u dun feel d same about me then it's ur lost, not mine :)
honestly, even if my friends always say dat i'm still young, deep down in my heart i always feel dat if dis isn't work out...i'm not gonna find another. call me pessimistic, tell me dat i haven't seen half of d world...tell me dat there re a lot of fish in d ocean. wat i'm gonna say is dis : i dun want another fish. i'd rather dun eat fish at all than eating an anchovy when i'm longing 4 a tuna. i will only end up comparing them n feel sorry 4 myself n d anchovy.
beside, being single isn't bad after all. picturing myself 50 years later as an old VIRGIN lady with tons of cats actually dun scare me at all *better, when i can erase d word "virgin" n change it 2 "single" only :D* maybe i will adopt a cute caucasian girl as my daughter and named her "america". maybe not, if d idea of being a single mom scare me too much. well, i still have a lot of time 2 think, wat i'm sure about is dat i'll be relieved 2 not be a part of any complicated unhealthy relationship with any guy - other than u at any stage of my life :)
i'm a persistent bastard n dat gives me hard time sumtimes. i always know wat i want,,usually forced my way into it...n i often keep obsessing bout things i can't control. is dis really an ADHD ? seriously.
i know i can't change how ppl feel bout me. i know i can work my as* off but still i can't make u turn 2 me. so let it be...rite ?? enjoy life. have fun. study hard. do anythings interesting which have nothing 2 do with dat particular matter. it's my life n i just live once.
yes,,it's true dat i can recall dat nite as one of the happiest nite in my live....one of d tops three at least. but it's not like i'm gonna give my peace of mind away just bcoz of one nite. it's a whole lot better remembering it as a sweet memory than a thing 2 be obsessing over. i'm not saying dat i'm gonna giving up on u...there is no way i would do dat,,as long as i can still functioning (in dis case means alive) but i'm gonna take an advice dat my wise friend gave me : take it slow,,relax,,n enjoy d show :)
"cinderella" probably is one of the most famous everlasting fairytale. it has everything. a girl, a prince, magic, a sparkling couch, a ball, and happy ending. when a girl feels like a cinderella, it's a good thing...but "cinderella" has its own miserable parts. in my opinion the most miserable one is not the domestic violence that is done by her step mom and siters, instead it's the time when the magic time is over.
we all know that cinderella went to the ball by a sparkling couch made from a pumpkin, and then dancing all night long with the prince in her glass shoes. but when it's passed midnight she must return to her home or else all of her disguise will be discovered. now i know how painful it is for her when she heard the midnight bell. it's like "i can't believe it's happening to me...it's a dream come true !" turns to "is it over already ?" in no time.
well, i want to put on this glass shoes forever but i guess there is always a time when the magic ends. but still i had a blast and thank God for that. i just hope that it's not the ending. that a happy end is waiting for me at the corner...amen :D
try dis site : http://www.fmylife.com i admit dat 4 me it's a pleasure 2 read about other ppl's misery when i'm in a bad mood. it makes me 2 look at my own condition n say : dis isn't too bad after all :)
here is d examples :
Today, I saw a professor of mine who I admire as I went into the bathroom. We greeted each other, then I went into a stall and he went into the stall next to mine. For the next five minutes, he had to listen to me having epic diarrhea. FML
Today, while watching a movie, I said to my new girlfriend it's bullshit how girls get away with false advertising by stuffing their bras, but the second a guy stuffs his pants it's game over. She seemed upset and went to the bathroom, finally coming out at least 2 cup sizes smaller. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. He followed it with, "Want to try anal?" FML
Today, after months of careful dieting and avoiding scales so I wouldn't discourage myself, I decided to weigh myself to see how far I've come. I gained ten pounds. FML
Today, I found a cute baby bunny... with my lawn mower. FML
Today, I felt the urge to sneeze, so out of instinct I looked away from the computer and sneezed to my left. The rotating fan was blowing at my direction at that moment, so I just sneezed on my own face. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend after a rather steamy session. He kept softly whispering, "That was amazing, that was amazing..." I kissed him and agreed. Apparently he was talking about the fact that he'd managed to throw the used condom into the bin using his left hand. FML
Today, I was walking the dog when I noticed a hot guy checking me out. Flustered, I continued walking, only to trip over my dog and land on my face. The hot guy took a picture, laughed, and walked away. FML
Today, I was trying on a $200 shirt from Guess. I was too fat to fit into it, but my friend convinced me it would look hot. It suddenly ripped. I tried to take it off. It ripped some more. FML
Today, I was looking through some pics that my friend had taken at a party I was at. I noticed I was in one and wasn't tagged so I tagged myself. Half an hour later I was untagged and cropped out of the picture. FML
Today, I went to the beach with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said "You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear." She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he's only with me because his friend bet £30 that he couldn't get me into bed. He told me after I had just lost my virginity to him. He then dumped me. FML
Today, I was searching for my crush at the campus because I haven't seen him since he wrecked my car and I miss him. Only to find out that right now he's in another city, with his ex-girlfriend. FML
Today, I was getting ready to host a party when I let loose a huge fart, pooing a bit at the same time. I was just changing when my crush arrived saying she really had to use the toilet. Without thinking I showed her where it was. Where did I leave my poo covered boxers? On the bathroom floor. FML
Today, I got my foot run over by my mother backing out of the garage. Then, when I was helped into the car to be taken to the doctor, my mother slams the same foot in the door. Later at the doctor's, I got my damaged foot stepped on by a very large and heavy woman. FML
Today, I locked my dog inside so she wouldn't bother me while I was cleaning the yard. After I finished picking up all her shit, I came inside to realize she shit all over my kitchen floor. FML
Today, I set my status on Facebook to "Got hit by a car. In the hospital for a few weeks." 10 people liked it and 1 person asked if there was a video. FML
why would i bother 2 write them here ? well,,turns out dat writing bout other ppl misery's even more fun than reading it. i should add it 2 my list *evil mode : totally ON*
after doing my post about ginny,,i found dat actually ginny isn't d only one who has dat kind of story out there. i just watched d 13th episode of glee (1st season) and i think it's pretty memorable,,especially when will and emma were kissing as the song "my life will suck without u" by kelly clarkson was played at d background. well,,just like i have never like ginny weasley,,i also was never a fan of emma pillsbury *i guess i just dun like d 'goody2 shoes' type of girl* but i'm happy 2 see them finally 2gether *sorry terri* coz i like 2 see a girl who fought 4 her love being triumphant at d end. like i said,,it brings so much inspiration 2 me...and i will keep searching 4 more and more similar stories and post it here,,while working on my own happy ending :) so dis is not d first story of love and hope in dis blog...and it definitely won't b d last...
i like harry potter series...in fact i have read and collected all of d books and spent my childhood obsessing about it. i even had a crush on my cousin dat has d same face as daniel radcliffe *interested ? no,,there is no way i can give u his fb link xD* having said dat,,on dis special occasion i will write sumthing about HP but it definitely isn't a review coz i know there re millions of them at d internet. tonite i will write about : GINNY WEASLEY.
no,,i personally dun like ginny weasley or bonnie wright *no offense 2 her fans* if i am asked which one of HP girls i like,,i will say : luna lovegood, nymphadora tonks n fleur delacour *i orginally also like bellatrix lestrange but i hate her more bcoz she killed sirius T.T* but wats interesting about ginny is dat SHE GOT D MAN OF HER DREAMS AT D END.
for d non HP fans,,it's stated in d book dat ginny has loved harry since her 1st year at hogwarts but at dat time harry wasn't interested. it's kinda sad actually dat ginny's affection towards harry has been a favorite subject of jokes and mockeries by her own brothers. even her valentine card ended up *i dun really remember* being sat by harry ? but suddenly at harry's 6th year (ginny's 5th year) harry realized dat he actually had d same feeling as ginny when he saw ginny kissed dean thomas. until know i still dunno how it happens. even in a magic world love dun suddenly appear out of nowhere rite ? it's not like harry was in denial 4 years coz there was totally no sign of dat. but doesn't matter how,,i would say dat dat is an ultimate inspiration 4 me.
i know there re many significant differences between HP world n dis world we re live in rite now *the most prominent one is dat here broom doesn't fly* but feelings does change rite ? i wanna believe it...hopefully like ginny,,i also can get d man of my dreams :)
writing is d way 4 us 2 treasure things,,things dat will fade as d time goes by. as we write we may re-experience d sweetness n d bitterness of memories...whatever we felt at dat time. bringing back memories,,on d other hand makes d distance we experience seems shorter...as if i could reach out my hand 2 u...wherever u re rite now :) enough reasons 2 write rite ? so dis is d story...
once upon a time,,there was a girl. a young girl dat even hadn't turned 17. she was a hopeless-romantic-dreamer who believed in fairytale n happy ending...she believed dat sumday she would meet a guy,,her own prince who could see trough her 86 kg of fats, helmet hair, smack down t-shirt...and finds a girl dat deserves 2 b loved.
at her first year in college our girl meet a boy. at dat moment she knew dat day boy n her are meant 2 b 2gether *or so she tought* maybe it's true dat they have some similarities,,but wat she was failed 2 see is dat boy had passed d stage dat she was on. dat his metamorphoses was almost finished while her metamorphoses hadn't even begun yet.
it took a pretty long time,,but then she realized dat she had 2 change if she ever want dat boy 2 look at her...dat stalking and hiding behind a pediatric bookshelf in d library just wouldn't work,,so at dat very moment she finally started her own metamorphoses. well,,it was a hell of metamorphoses and i dun mean it in an amazing kinda hell. statistically,,it involved 3x visit 2 d ER at d middle of d night,,countless growling of d stomach,,sweats,,tears,,and various episodes of heartaches,,depression,,and aggression. luckily she has a great family n friends who always support her no matter wat.
after dat she spent almost two years running back and forth - to and from dat boy...even,,she has tried everything dat she thought can help her 2 move on. sales,,ice cream,,boys and more boys. it's true dat she did like sum other boys and even had couples of crushes,,but at d end she can only address d word 'love' to only one person.
now i'm not a lt girl weight 86 *wow,,look at dat irony* with helmet hair and smack down t-shirt anymore. well,,maybe i'm not yet a butterfly but my metamorphoses still continue...and i guess i have 2 thank u 4 dat. thanks for making me grow. thanks for making me feel better when i look at d mirror...dat finally i can accept and love myself. thanks 4 being kind 2 me even at d time when i dun deserve it. i love u and i always will,,but i dun make dis post 2 beg u 2 accept me,,so again...thanks senpai :)
"sumtimes goodbye means nothing,,it's just d only logical thing 2 say at dat moment." -dB-
here i am...writing on dis blog again,,when i'm supposed 2 write an essay bout top 10 diseases 4 my puskesmas assignment *ups,,sorry din* dis past few days have been surreal 4 me. sumhow i feel relieved dat i had 2 stay at home 2day. sumhow it's hard 4 me 2 get back 2 campus n face...well,,pretty much everything. it's funny coz actually everything is fine...my grades are horrible but they always are,,i have no problem with school works nor the lectures/tutors,,n my friend re great n very supportive...so my question is : why ??
maybe,,related 2 d "fear thing" i talked bout in my last post...i'm scared of anything dat can remind me of my "grand plan" which is btw will have to be realized in 29 hours from now *i just got d text* maybe dats why now i feel like wrapping myself in a coccon n just hibernate until dis moment passed....but i can't. well,,i CAN...but i know later on i won't 4give myself if i surrender just bcoz of fear. i have managed 2 do it in d past *awfully* so why can't i do it again ?? *at dis point i realize dat wat i'm writing in dis post just dun make any sense but why should it make sense ?? after all d title of dis post has sumthing 2 do with asylum*
of course it's a lie 2 say dat i'm not hoping dis time ur answer would b different. it's a BIG FAT LIE. but i'm gonna say it as sincere as i can : no matter wats d outcome is...i'll live with it. well,,i dun say dat i'm not gonna try again in d future...but it's enough 4 now. dis is my last effort as a non-clinical medical student. wat bout next year ? who knows ? ;)
well,,enough of dis swan song...d result hasn't been out yet so i'm not gonna write like a loser. u re wat u think rite ?? finger crossed n hope 4 d best :)
...it's feel like a de javu. it's funny dat a year ago,,also around dis month...i thought n wrote bout things dat i'm thinking n writing rite now. maybe i haven't changed after all. well,,things around here surely dun. it's still bout me n u. me chasing u n u running away ? hopefully not dis time :)
2 b honest,,i'm sacred. there is a question dat i have been repeating again n again in my head trough dis day : "will u hate me if i tell u d truth ?" it suddenly hit me when a friend asked me dat. turns out dat i actually still care bout wat do u think bout me,,regardless d fact dat we might not see each other again after dis.
dat fear is growing bigger n bigger,,especially bcoz of dis delay...n at d exact moment i'm writing dis,,it's starting 2 haunt me. i even starting to b obsessed with d meaning of d tic on my left eye *tic is d rite term rite ??* maybe i'm being superstitious but i have experienced many major events...dat re maybe too coincidental 2 b called a coincidence related 2 my tics. turns out dat,,related 2 some sources on d internet...d place where i'm experiencing it plays a huge role on its meaning. stupid me...i seem not able 2 differentiate whether i'm experiencing it on my EYEBALL or EYELID. sounds stupid rite,,dis whole tics thing ?? i think i'm going mad...
i mean...wats d worst thing dat can happen ?? we hardly talk with each other at d present. if wat i'm feared of happen happens...nothing is gonna change. nothing 2 lose. hahaha...i remember i have said it before. i also remember how broken my heart was. so maybe dis fear has a very good reason.
i know i have tried my hardest 2 b called "worthy" 2 stand beside u n i'm happy 2 see wat i have achieved. but when i look at u again,,i can't avoid 2 think dat maybe u deserve better. i know dat there re many girls out there dat re more than just a pretty face. a whole package. hahaha...it's not dat i'm a woman with a low self esteem...well,,most of d time i'm not,,but dats actually wat i feel rite now. maybe dis is just a temporary melancholy bcoz of dis insanity *hmm,,how many times have i said insane...crazy...lunatic...mad ?*
hahaha...dis is pathetic,,i know. i thought i have quit being pathetic. there is no need of reading dis,,i'm just blabbering it. it's my tendency 2 blabber in stress.hahaha...
it's already late n i'm having a backache (not LBP) bcoz of sitting in front of d computer 4 too long but i'm still writing...why ? maybe it's bcoz of i want 2 treasure dis moment. d moment bfore 2morrow.
yes,,i have made up my mind. 2morrow i'm going 2 do sumthing dat could turns 2 a totally horrific incident...but i think it's definitely better than a silence. a silence may coz me a lifetime regret. i dun wanna b sorry,,after all my motto is "do wat u want 2 do, so u can avoid being sorry later on" :)
2nd time is a charm...rite ?? i hope i dun have 2 do dis three times. doing it once is crazy enough,,but two times ?? i must b a real lunatic. well,,i just can't help it...it's u who suddenly showed up and turns my world inside out. it's u who made things dat is used 2 b important 2 me suddenly turns 2 nothing. and at dat moment i realize,,it has 2 b u...
u see,,i have been getting through a long process dat have forced me 2 grow. i'm not d same person dat told u,,at dat time...how she feels bout u. hopefully u can see my grow. hopefully God finally feels dat i'm ready,,coz i dun wanna wait anymore. it's now or never !!
aku ingin menulis puisi. apapun untuk menghilangkan kekosongan ini, tapi tak kunjung kutemukan kata2 nan indah. aku menatap kursor yg berkedip2 dalam diam. hening, tak ada suara keyboard yg berderak. kosong...tetap kosong. sepi, aku benci sepi !
... tik tik tik (bukan hujan, tapi jam yang berdetak pelan) waktu tak ikut berhenti bersamaku. dia juga. dia ada di sana, bernafas, berjalan, beraktivitas, tertawa...tapi bukan bersamaku. meski begitu aku melihatnya, hampir setiap saat, meskipun hanya berupa bayang semu, potongan2 ingatan tanpa badan kasar. dia berbicara, tersenyum, mengejek, memutar bola mata, termenung, menerawang jauh...kadang, aku mencoba mengulurkan tangan, berharap bisa meraihnya...namun bayang ataupun bukan, dia jauh.
dia itu rumit. bagaikan kumpulan benang yang berbeda warna. bila dilihat bagaikan gradasi yang memikat, namun ketika mencoba untuk menguraikannya, kita akan dihadapkan pada jalinan ruwet yang hanya akan membuat kita pusing sendiri. betatapa pun begitu, aku ingin mencoba memahaminya. meraup serpihan2 hatinya yang dulu pernah hancur dan menyatukannya kembali, karena hati itu terlalu indah untuk menjadi serpihan2...namun dia tidak mengijinkanku mendekat. aku tau dia tidak ingin menunjukkan sisi lemahnya pada orang lain. dia yang setiap harinya selalu tersenyum, namun menutup diri saat ditanya tentang masa lalu. dia yang selalu menerima tanggung jawab yang dibebankan padanya, dan hanya diam saat ditanya kenapa wajahnya tampak kusut.
mungkin aku bukanlah orang yang bisa membuka pintu hati yang dikuncinya rapat2. mungkin aku hanyalah salah satu dari banyak wanita yang mampir di beranda dan mencoba mengetuk pintu. dan mungkin aku tidak berhak menulis apa yang kurasa tentangnya di sini. kalau begitu maafkanlah aku. sungguh aku tak bermaksud membuatmu risi atas rasa yang mungkin tak diharapkan ini. sungguh jika bisa aku akan hanya menjadi "teman" yang baik dan tak mengharap lebih. namun kau sudah membuatku gila dengan campuran rasa2 ini. bahagia, berdebar, berharap, ingin lebih, ingin memiliki, cemburu, marah, kesal, sedih...dan entah apalagi.
aku memang bukan wanita itu. medekati pun tidak. aku tidak cukup mengenalnya untuk berusaha menjadi sepertinya, dan aku tak yakin apakah aku bisa. satu2nya yang bisa kulakukan sekarang adalah menjadi "aku" sebaik2nya dan berusaha membuatmu kagum akan "aku". mungkin suatu saat nanti kau akan menoleh kepadaku =)
