Try to keep my feet on the ground and my eyes on the prize
Cause even if the way ahead of me seems frozen,
I still can see that bonfire
slow-dancing with the moon in the starry night
I don’t need the autumn to feel warm
Nor the summer to feel the heat
As long as I keep love in my heart,
with dream and faith as my armor and sword
I believe I could win
*dis actually is my poem dat has been published in facebook. u may need to keep in mind dat when i wrote it, my state of mind is completely different than it is now. it was at the time when i still believe dat when u love sumone truely-sumhow love will find a way. now i know dat it just isn't the way live works :)
i used to hate the rain. i used to hate the smell of wet soil...and the melancholy atmosphere it's giving. it made me feel sad.
now i dunno wat have changed but especially at dis time, the rain suddenly turned to sumthing dat give me bunch of inspirations. not particularly great ones maybe, but i definitely need them to keep my feet on the ground bcoz sumhow the long holiday has dissolved the border between my usual daily ideas and sum random ideas dat i thought have long gone from my brain. i feel like i have regressed back 2 the past and i dun like dat at all.
as a child, i was full of imagination...furthermore, u can say dat i have absolutely no social live. yes, i have many friends at school and i can talk to my family at home, but i spent most of my time at my own little world dat i invented myself...there i can be anyone i want and be with anyone i want. i have been developing dat world little by little, adding things here and there so it become so big dat it can contain all of my imagination. handsome guys from movies and mangas, hunky WWE athletes, vampires and pirate ships, and of course the perfect me. the truth is, even right now i still visit that world in once a while.
at dat time i was also so absorbed by games, movies, reality TV show, novels, and comic books...they became such an important part in my live so when it was the time 4 them to come to and end *of course games, movies, and such must have an ending* i was so devastated, like i have no reason to live anymore. i remember when the indonesian goverment decided to banned WWE from national television...i took a scissors and tried to make a cut on my wrist so i could die. well, of course dat suicide attempt wasn't a very serious one *i even didn't slashed strong enough to make a scar* but i think for a senior high school kid, trying to kill self bcoz of stupid WWE program being banned was pretty twisted.
now u can see why when i feel dat my thought is strating to wander around just like in the past, i bcome so scared. if i look back again, maybe the trigger was dis game i was playing in almost 24 hours term at some point of dis holiday. it was PERSONA 3, an RPG dat let the main character choices throughout the game influences the story greatly. i was playing as a female character and i got a boyfriend there...he was a senpai dat was completely my type, and after various struggle i was able to make him mine. everything seemed so real, and every time he said dat he love deena bush *dat was d name of the main character* and did sweet things to her...i always had dis strange sense of jealousy. i wish dat i was her. i wish dat i was the character of the game dat i played. it's so weird rite ?
i dunno, maybe bcoz of wat i have achieved in the game, i see it far more interesting than my own real life...and dat coz my subconscious to start its attempt to escape...again...to the only world i know, my own little world. the truth is, i'm afraid of losing myself again in dat world and never coming back. so wat i can do rite now is doing whatever i can do to stay here.
malam ini, aku ga akan menulis pake bahasa inggris. itu bukan karna aku ingin meniru2 "orang itu", aku cuma ingin membuktikan...sejujurnya aku juga ga tau apa yang ingin aku buktikan.
kalau dipikir2 aku sudah lumayan lama blogging. terhitung dari sekitar bulan november 2008 klo ga salah. tapi entah kenapa, aku ga pernah menulis apapun yang informatif. cuma cinta dan kehidupan pribadi. apa itu salah ?
aku memang bukan seorang pemikir. jujur aja, aku ga peduli dengan dunia yang ga berputar di sekitarku. apa itu juga salah ?
lucu juga, baru kemarin salah seorang teman bilang kalau nanti yang bakal mengikat seseorang itu adalah sifatku. waktu itu aku percaya, entah kenapa rasanya masuk akal. tapi sekarang, ternyata itu terbukti salah. hmm, lagi2 aku menulis tentang kehidupan pribadi. tapi maaf saja, ak ga bisa me-review film terakhir yang kutonton saat keadaan jiwaku sedang tidak stabil (pernah stabil pa ?)
mungkin ini bagus. aku sedang diingatkan kalau "inner beauty" itu ternyata lebih penting daripada penampilan luar. kalau ternyata berdiet, berdandan, dan memanjangkan rambut itu ga ada artinya kalau muka mesum tetap dipasang. ga ada cowo yang mau dipandangin trus dengan sorot mata "OMG...i'm sooo in love with you !" kan ?
mungkin aku hanya berdelusi ketika memikirkan betapa cocoknya kita. mungkin obrolan yang amat menyenangkan saat itu pun hanya kayalanku saja.
tapi tetap saja aku mencintaimu. mungkin kamu ga suka, tapi bukan kamu yang menentukan perasaanku. kamu boleh cuek. kamu boleh menghinaku. kamu boleh mengataiku tidak punya harga diri. kenyataannya "harga diri" itu sudah aku buang jauh2 sejak aku memutuskan untuk bertahan. padahal menurutku itu penting.
akhir kata aku akan tetap menunggumu, sampai nanti saat perasaanku berubah. kapan itu ? bisa sebentar lagi, bisa saat aku mati. yah, kalau bisa sih aku ga mau menunggu sampai mati. tapi kalau memang harus begitu, biarkan saja.
Sabtu, 05 Juni 2010
WARNINGS : cerita2 di bawah ini adalah FIKSI. kesamaan nama tokoh, tempat, maupun detail2 kecil lainnya adalah MURNI KETIDAK SENGAJAAN. writing dis is actually one of my attempts to fulfill my passion for writing, have fun reading it and leave comment so i can improve myself...thx u ^^
Part I
Aku berdiri menatap malam. Angin semilir meniup rambutku, mengacaukan tatanannya sehingga aku terpaksa sebentar-sebentar merapikannya. Waktu berlalu. Aku tak yakin sudah berapa jam aku berdiri di sini…atau mungkinkah baru beberapa menit ? Yang jelas high heel yang khusus kubeli untuk acara ini membuat kakiku sakit. Aku lelah…dan tegang.
Aku tahu lelah ini bukan karena kakiku yang sakit, ataupun karena hari ini aku ada di kampus seharian. Jiwaku lah yang lelah, dan perihnya melebihi sakit di kakiku. Wow, I did say that…didn’t I ? What kind of melancholic b*tch he has turned me into ? jangan salah tangkap, tak ada yang salah dengan orang yang melankolis. It’s just that I was proud of my tough exterior. Need a very serious sh*t to peel it off. Itulah kenapa aku harus mengakhiri ini. Secepat mungkin.
Akhirnya dia pun datang.Looking good…damn good, seperti biasa. Darah sialan itu pun tanpa bisa dicegah mengaliri pipiku, membuat pipiku berwarna merah tomat. Why does he cause the same effect to me every time I see him ? it’s even getting worse overtime. Aku benci ketidak berdayaanku di hadapannya. Aku benci seringai tolol yang otomatis selalu terbentuk saat aku berbicara dengannya. Aku benci neurotransmitter otakku yang sering tiba-tiba konslet dan sulit untuk menemukan kata-kata cerdas. But above all else, I love him.
“hai.” Sapanya “udah lama nunggu ?”
“hmmm…hahaha…” “hmm…gak kok.” Kataku gagu.
“trus, mau ngomong apa ?”
“heh ? oh itu. Hahaha….hahaha…” aku makin gagu
“…”
Dia tahu. Aku menundukkan wajahku sedalam-dalamnya, seakan dengan begitu aku bisa menghilang dari sini. Namun tiba-tiba terpikir olehku “isn’t this what I want ?” untuk apa aku memanggilnya ke sini kalau aku tak ingin dia tahu ? Lalu aku pun tersenyum, pendek dan simpul. ketegangan ini telah mengacaukan otakku. Aku sudah tak peduli lagi. Que sera-sera…whatever will be, will be ! Dia tampak agak heran melihatku tersenyum sendiri, namun dia tidak mengatakan apa-apa. What a sweet guy, he must know how had this is for me.
“gak terasa ya…” kataku memecah keheningan. “gak terasa kamu udah mau pergi.”
Dia masih diam. Aku melanjutkan, “sebelum kamu pergi, aku pengen bilang sesuatu.”
“jujur, sebenernya aku juga bingung mau ngomong apa karna sebenernya intinya sama aja sama yang aku bilang waktu itu.”Suaraku mulai mengecil, aku tak mampu menatap matanya.
“aku cuma mau menegaskan…I still have the same feeling. And…I will be waiting for you.”
Suaraku kini menghilang sama sekali. Keberanianku lenyap sudah. Tanpa menunggu jawabannya aku pun mengambil langkah seribu, kabur dari tempat itu. Ajaibnya berlari dengan high heels tidak membuat kakiku patah.Aku tak menengok ke belakang, juga tak berharap dia mengejarku.Yang aku inginkan hanyalah kamar mandi yang tenang dan bathtub yang penuh air hangat, tempat aku bisa menangis tanpa ada yang tahu. The most important thing is I have said it...right ? There is no way I can let him leave without knowing my true feeling. But now…it’s done.
first of all, this is not a "marketing technique" nor one of my desperate attempts to get 2 u. like usual, i just wanna write wat i feel.
"being loved" is an amazing experience. well, i can't say much coz no man ever explicitly expressed his love towards me bfore, but i can tell. when we truly love sumone we love them UNCONDITIONALLY. so when sumone like u bcoz u re famous or bcoz u have a "bright promising future" they love ur fame and bright future, not u...and when the condition then bcome otherwise *i hope dis won't happen* they will leave u.
i'm not gonna blabber about how much i love u, so u should chose me bla...bla...bla...or give 1000 reasons why we should be together...wat i'm gonna do is just love and love and leave the rest to God :) i'm just hoping dat if u re really not meant 2 be with me, u can get sumone truly loves u and care about u like i do...coz u deserve THE BEST.
...so much bout love eh ? it's too bad dat i dun fill my days with more "useful" things...but i'm gonna be honest to myself and keep writing my true feelings here. coz keeping wat we feel inside and never let it out is bad for our health - unlike i have ever done dat ;)
right now i feel so numb...right now i just don't care. about anyone. about anything. why can't anyone let me 2 rot here ? i can't take anymore of that shitty live. there is no way i can go out from dat front door, break free from the protection i got from this sturdy old wall and face the world.
seriously, what the world can offer me ? i have nothing. i fail miserably at school. my parents and axel would eventually gone before me. my friends too. no matter how close we are, they are not gonna walk with me to the altar. eventually they will find someone and build a happy family.i will end up alone. i will die alone. so why am i still here ?
this fog of desperation...i dunno where the hell it's coming from. i know that there are people who are far more miserable than me. but i just can't help it. i feel it. and that suck the life out of me.
lets say, later i can manage to graduate from this sh*thole. so then what ? i will stuck in a job that i hate for the rest of my life. pardon me, i just don't feel the urge to become a doctor. not when i was at senior high school. not now.
looks like i'm still a stray after all..wandering alone in live without any purporse. well, like a stray dog that often being caught and gassed until dead at the dog shelter...a stray human also deserves to die. don't u know that world population is now a serious problem ? a place in the world should be given to the people who truly want it. so go ahead, i will give my place for free :)
so go ahead, take it all... u want my soul ? take it all... it's time to leave, it's time to die... because i have no more, there's nothing left to give...
