SOULESS

right now i feel so numb...right now i just don't care. about anyone. about anything. why can't anyone let me 2 rot here ? i can't take anymore of that shitty live. there is no way i can go out from dat front door, break free from the protection i got from this sturdy old wall and face the world.

seriously, what the world can offer me ? i have nothing. i fail miserably at school. my parents and axel would eventually gone before me. my friends too. no matter how close we are, they are not gonna walk with me to the altar. eventually they will find someone and build a happy family.i will end up alone. i will die alone. so why am i still here ?

this fog of desperation...i dunno where the hell it's coming from. i know that there are people who are far more miserable than me. but i just can't help it. i feel it. and that suck the life out of me.

lets say, later i can manage to graduate from this sh*thole. so then what ? i will stuck in a job that i hate for the rest of my life. pardon me, i just don't feel the urge to become a doctor. not when i was at senior high school. not now.

looks like i'm still a stray after all..wandering alone in live without any purporse. well, like a stray dog that often being caught and gassed until dead at the dog shelter...a stray human also deserves to die. don't u know that world population is now a serious problem ? a place in the world should be given to the people who truly want it. so go ahead, i will give my place for free :)

so go ahead, take it all...
u want my soul ? take it all...
it's time to leave, it's time to die...
because i have no more, there's nothing left to give...

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dear, God...i know U have such a twisted sense of humor, but it has never been dis far before. well, who am i 2 question Ur will ? i'm just a lously helpless human. so wat i'm gonna do is just laugh and laugh about my twistedly funny fate. till i die.

people said dat forgetting d one we love is hard ? dat we will seems 2 see him/her everytime, everywhere ? tell me about it. now wat should i do ? turning off all the TV and internet ? throwing away all the newspapers and magazines ? covering my sensitive ears 2 people's talk ? moving out and live in a deserted island like tom hanks in "cast away" ? or simply just throwing myself from the roof ?

everything i have done is dis past few years...what is it for ? chasing 4 sumthing dat is now BEYOND my reach. *i will give u a number : 150. maybe consists of more than 100 hot single girls* fine. i will live single and die alone. so what ? i don't need a substitute. a di*** will be enough...excuse my word.

i have laughed. i have cried. i have done a long thought to figure out wheter i'm exaggerating. well, honestly...i dun think i am. it's like a newly ex-smoker dat being thrown away to a world of cigarettes. just kill me now.

PS : is this post so obvious ? well, i couldn't care less. just consider it as a little more publication. go on and gossip about me, tell others about how pathetic i am. have fun :)

old single cat lady

if "art of love" is a subject in school then i would get a D for sure...IF I'M LUCKY. why i'm never good at dis ?? damn ! well, i'm a straight forward person. i always say wat i mean and mean wat i say. sadly, dat is not how it works here. if there is a guide of how 2 act when we re attracted 2 sumone then i will definitely buy it coz i seems 2 have no clue. why does when we re, girls, pursuing boys we love relentlessly we will be called too aggressive...but when boys do d same thing they will get credits 4 dat ? am i wrong 2 say dat it isn't fair ??

i'm tired of feeling like a crap. is it a sin 2 love sumone n fight 4 dat ? does it make me a person 2 look down 2 ? sorry then if it's true, but nobody can make me feel inferior if i dun let them 2. n u know wat ? i won't. i know u know how i feel about u, n u know dat i wanna be with u. if u dun feel d same about me then it's ur lost, not mine :)

honestly, even if my friends always say dat i'm still young, deep down in my heart i always feel dat if dis isn't work out...i'm not gonna find another. call me pessimistic, tell me dat i haven't seen half of d world...tell me dat there re a lot of fish in d ocean. wat i'm gonna say is dis : i dun want another fish. i'd rather dun eat fish at all than eating an anchovy when i'm longing 4 a tuna. i will only end up comparing them n feel sorry 4 myself n d anchovy.

beside, being single isn't bad after all. picturing myself 50 years later as an old VIRGIN lady with tons of cats actually dun scare me at all *better, when i can erase d word "virgin" n change it 2 "single" only :D* maybe i will adopt a cute caucasian girl as my daughter and named her "america". maybe not, if d idea of being a single mom scare me too much. well, i still have a lot of time 2 think, wat i'm sure about is dat i'll be relieved 2 not be a part of any complicated unhealthy relationship with any guy - other than u at any stage of my life :)

just enjoy the show

i'm a persistent bastard n dat gives me hard time sumtimes. i always know wat i want,,usually forced my way into it...n i often keep obsessing bout things i can't control. is dis really an ADHD ? seriously.

i know i can't change how ppl feel bout me. i know i can work my as* off but still i can't make u turn 2 me. so let it be...rite ?? enjoy life. have fun. study hard. do anythings interesting which have nothing 2 do with dat particular matter. it's my life n i just live once.

yes,,it's true dat i can recall dat nite as one of the happiest nite in my live....one of d tops three at least. but it's not like i'm gonna give my peace of mind away just bcoz of one nite. it's a whole lot better remembering it as a sweet memory than a thing 2 be obsessing over. i'm not saying dat i'm gonna giving up on u...there is no way i would do dat,,as long as i can still functioning (in dis case means alive) but i'm gonna take an advice dat my wise friend gave me : take it slow,,relax,,n enjoy d show :)

another cinderella story

"cinderella" probably is one of the most famous everlasting fairytale. it has everything. a girl, a prince, magic, a sparkling couch, a ball, and happy ending. when a girl feels like a cinderella, it's a good thing...but "cinderella" has its own miserable parts. in my opinion the most miserable one is not the domestic violence that is done by her step mom and siters, instead it's the time when the magic time is over.

we all know that cinderella went to the ball by a sparkling couch made from a pumpkin, and then dancing all night long with the prince in her glass shoes. but when it's passed midnight she must return to her home or else all of her disguise will be discovered. now i know how painful it is for her when she heard the midnight bell. it's like "i can't believe it's happening to me...it's a dream come true !" turns to "is it over already ?" in no time.

well, i want to put on this glass shoes forever but i guess there is always a time when the magic ends. but still i had a blast and thank God for that. i just hope that it's not the ending. that a happy end is waiting for me at the corner...amen :D