i used to hate the rain. i used to hate the smell of wet soil...and the melancholy atmosphere it's giving. it made me feel sad.
now i dunno wat have changed but especially at dis time, the rain suddenly turned to sumthing dat give me bunch of inspirations. not particularly great ones maybe, but i definitely need them to keep my feet on the ground bcoz sumhow the long holiday has dissolved the border between my usual daily ideas and sum random ideas dat i thought have long gone from my brain. i feel like i have regressed back 2 the past and i dun like dat at all.
as a child, i was full of imagination...furthermore, u can say dat i have absolutely no social live. yes, i have many friends at school and i can talk to my family at home, but i spent most of my time at my own little world dat i invented myself...there i can be anyone i want and be with anyone i want. i have been developing dat world little by little, adding things here and there so it become so big dat it can contain all of my imagination. handsome guys from movies and mangas, hunky WWE athletes, vampires and pirate ships, and of course the perfect me. the truth is, even right now i still visit that world in once a while.
at dat time i was also so absorbed by games, movies, reality TV show, novels, and comic books...they became such an important part in my live so when it was the time 4 them to come to and end *of course games, movies, and such must have an ending* i was so devastated, like i have no reason to live anymore. i remember when the indonesian goverment decided to banned WWE from national television...i took a scissors and tried to make a cut on my wrist so i could die. well, of course dat suicide attempt wasn't a very serious one *i even didn't slashed strong enough to make a scar* but i think for a senior high school kid, trying to kill self bcoz of stupid WWE program being banned was pretty twisted.
now u can see why when i feel dat my thought is strating to wander around just like in the past, i bcome so scared. if i look back again, maybe the trigger was dis game i was playing in almost 24 hours term at some point of dis holiday. it was
PERSONA 3, an RPG dat let the main character choices throughout the game influences the story greatly. i was playing as a female character and i got a boyfriend there...he was a senpai dat was completely my type, and after various struggle i was able to make him mine. everything seemed so real, and every time he said dat he love
deena bush *dat was d name of the main character* and did sweet things to her...i always had dis strange sense of jealousy. i wish dat i was her. i wish dat i was the character of the game dat i played. it's so weird rite ?
i dunno, maybe bcoz of wat i have achieved in the game, i see it far more interesting than my own real life...and dat coz my subconscious to start its attempt to escape...again...to the only world i know, my own little world. the truth is, i'm afraid of losing myself again in dat world and never coming back. so wat i can do rite now is doing whatever i can do to stay here.
