deena goes 2 asylum part 2

here i am...writing on dis blog again,,when i'm supposed 2 write an essay bout top 10 diseases 4 my puskesmas assignment *ups,,sorry din* dis past few days have been surreal 4 me. sumhow i feel relieved dat i had 2 stay at home 2day. sumhow it's hard 4 me 2 get back 2 campus n face...well,,pretty much everything. it's funny coz actually everything is fine...my grades are horrible but they always are,,i have no problem with school works nor the lectures/tutors,,n my friend re great n very supportive...so my question is : why ??

maybe,,related 2 d "fear thing" i talked bout in my last post...i'm scared of anything dat can remind me of my "grand plan" which is btw will have to be realized in 29 hours from now *i just got d text* maybe dats why now i feel like wrapping myself in a coccon n just hibernate until dis moment passed....but i can't. well,,i CAN...but i know later on i won't 4give myself if i surrender just bcoz of fear. i have managed 2 do it in d past *awfully* so why can't i do it again ?? *at dis point i realize dat wat i'm writing in dis post just dun make any sense but why should it make sense ?? after all d title of dis post has sumthing 2 do with asylum*

of course it's a lie 2 say dat i'm not hoping dis time ur answer would b different. it's a BIG FAT LIE. but i'm gonna say it as sincere as i can : no matter wats d outcome is...i'll live with it. well,,i dun say dat i'm not gonna try again in d future...but it's enough 4 now. dis is my last effort as a non-clinical medical student. wat bout next year ? who knows ? ;)

well,,enough of dis swan song...d result hasn't been out yet so i'm not gonna write like a loser. u re wat u think rite ?? finger crossed n hope 4 d best :)

YES,,I CAN !! ...at least i can say it...

deena goes 2 asylum part 1

...it's feel like a de javu. it's funny dat a year ago,,also around dis month...i thought n wrote bout things dat i'm thinking n writing rite now. maybe i haven't changed after all. well,,things around here surely dun. it's still bout me n u. me chasing u n u running away ? hopefully not dis time :)

2 b honest,,i'm sacred. there is a question dat i have been repeating again n again in my head trough dis day : "will u hate me if i tell u d truth ?" it suddenly hit me when a friend asked me dat. turns out dat i actually still care bout wat do u think bout me,,regardless d fact dat we might not see each other again after dis.

dat fear is growing bigger n bigger,,especially bcoz of dis delay...n at d exact moment i'm writing dis,,it's starting 2 haunt me. i even starting to b obsessed with d meaning of d tic on my left eye *tic is d rite term rite ??* maybe i'm being superstitious but i have experienced many major events...dat re maybe too coincidental 2 b called a coincidence related 2 my tics. turns out dat,,related 2 some sources on d internet...d place where i'm experiencing it plays a huge role on its meaning. stupid me...i seem not able 2 differentiate whether i'm experiencing it on my EYEBALL or EYELID. sounds stupid rite,,dis whole tics thing ?? i think i'm going mad...

i mean...wats d worst thing dat can happen ?? we hardly talk with each other at d present. if wat i'm feared of happen happens...nothing is gonna change. nothing 2 lose. hahaha...i remember i have said it before. i also remember how broken my heart was. so maybe dis fear has a very good reason.

i know i have tried my hardest 2 b called "worthy" 2 stand beside u n i'm happy 2 see wat i have achieved. but when i look at u again,,i can't avoid 2 think dat maybe u deserve better. i know dat there re many girls out there dat re more than just a pretty face. a whole package. hahaha...it's not dat i'm a woman with a low self esteem...well,,most of d time i'm not,,but dats actually wat i feel rite now. maybe dis is just a temporary melancholy bcoz of dis insanity *hmm,,how many times have i said insane...crazy...lunatic...mad ?*

hahaha...dis is pathetic,,i know. i thought i have quit being pathetic. there is no need of reading dis,,i'm just blabbering it. it's my tendency 2 blabber in stress.hahaha...

The Last Stand

it's already late n i'm having a backache (not LBP) bcoz of sitting in front of d computer 4 too long but i'm still writing...why ? maybe it's bcoz of i want 2 treasure dis moment. d moment bfore 2morrow.

yes,,i have made up my mind. 2morrow i'm going 2 do sumthing dat could turns 2 a totally horrific incident...but i think it's definitely better than a silence. a silence may coz me a lifetime regret. i dun wanna b sorry,,after all my motto is "do wat u want 2 do, so u can avoid being sorry later on" :)

2nd time is a charm...rite ?? i hope i dun have 2 do dis three times. doing it once is crazy enough,,but two times ?? i must b a real lunatic. well,,i just can't help it...it's u who suddenly showed up and turns my world inside out. it's u who made things dat is used 2 b important 2 me suddenly turns 2 nothing. and at dat moment i realize,,it has 2 b u...

u see,,i have been getting through a long process dat have forced me 2 grow. i'm not d same person dat told u,,at dat time...how she feels bout u. hopefully u can see my grow. hopefully God finally feels dat i'm ready,,coz i dun wanna wait anymore. it's now or never !!

IT'S THE LAST STAND...at least i hope it is...

aku, kamu, dan kosong

aku ingin menulis puisi. apapun untuk menghilangkan kekosongan ini, tapi tak kunjung kutemukan kata2 nan indah. aku menatap kursor yg berkedip2 dalam diam. hening, tak ada suara keyboard yg berderak. kosong...tetap kosong. sepi, aku benci sepi !

...
tik tik tik (bukan hujan, tapi jam yang berdetak pelan) waktu tak ikut berhenti bersamaku. dia juga. dia ada di sana, bernafas, berjalan, beraktivitas, tertawa...tapi bukan bersamaku. meski begitu aku melihatnya, hampir setiap saat, meskipun hanya berupa bayang semu, potongan2 ingatan tanpa badan kasar. dia berbicara, tersenyum, mengejek, memutar bola mata, termenung, menerawang jauh...kadang, aku mencoba mengulurkan tangan, berharap bisa meraihnya...namun bayang ataupun bukan, dia jauh.

dia itu rumit. bagaikan kumpulan benang yang berbeda warna. bila dilihat bagaikan gradasi yang memikat, namun ketika mencoba untuk menguraikannya, kita akan dihadapkan pada jalinan ruwet yang hanya akan membuat kita pusing sendiri. betatapa pun begitu, aku ingin mencoba memahaminya. meraup serpihan2 hatinya yang dulu pernah hancur dan menyatukannya kembali, karena hati itu terlalu indah untuk menjadi serpihan2...namun dia tidak mengijinkanku mendekat. aku tau dia tidak ingin menunjukkan sisi lemahnya pada orang lain. dia yang setiap harinya selalu tersenyum, namun menutup diri saat ditanya tentang masa lalu. dia yang selalu menerima tanggung jawab yang dibebankan padanya, dan hanya diam saat ditanya kenapa wajahnya tampak kusut.

mungkin aku bukanlah orang yang bisa membuka pintu hati yang dikuncinya rapat2. mungkin aku hanyalah salah satu dari banyak wanita yang mampir di beranda dan mencoba mengetuk pintu. dan mungkin aku tidak berhak menulis apa yang kurasa tentangnya di sini. kalau begitu maafkanlah aku. sungguh aku tak bermaksud membuatmu risi atas rasa yang mungkin tak diharapkan ini. sungguh jika bisa aku akan hanya menjadi "teman" yang baik dan tak mengharap lebih. namun kau sudah membuatku gila dengan campuran rasa2 ini. bahagia, berdebar, berharap, ingin lebih, ingin memiliki, cemburu, marah, kesal, sedih...dan entah apalagi.

aku memang bukan wanita itu. medekati pun tidak. aku tidak cukup mengenalnya untuk berusaha menjadi sepertinya, dan aku tak yakin apakah aku bisa. satu2nya yang bisa kulakukan sekarang adalah menjadi "aku" sebaik2nya dan berusaha membuatmu kagum akan "aku". mungkin suatu saat nanti kau akan menoleh kepadaku =)